I have a lot of anxiety on a daily basis. I can and do worry about everything. If I am alone, I worry about why I am alone (am I unlikable, am I unkind). If I am with someone, I am worried about the conversation (or lack thereof). I worry about what I look like. I worry about what’s in my future and whats happened to me in the past. God help me, if my son calls me and is having a bad day or one of my dogs isn’t feeling well or something is wrong with my husband. Then my brain rockets into catastrophe. There is this whole imaginary world of disaster in my mind and it can rule my whole real world if I don’t try to do anything to control it.
I understand that some anxiety is normal and can actually be a good thing. It’s normal to feel anxious before starting a new job, going on a first date, or moving to a new town. It can keep you moving, help you make decisions, or to solve problems. It’s just when it is a constant companion that is becomes problematic.
One of the things I am most worried about, right now, is going back to my job tomorrow. It’s amplified because I don’t trust the people I work for and I have seen them do some pretty awful things to people. I know that that worry is normal. Who wouldn’t be worried in that situation right? But this is where my brain is going right now. I am obsessing over the conversation that may or may not occur with my co-worker and/or the owner of the company. I am worried about going in to work and being fired the same day. I am worried about them not being understanding about the continued care that is necessary to help me gain some semblance of control over my bipolar condition. I have started planning for what I will do when my job is gone and I have to find a way to pay my bills. I’ve already made it a horrible thing and can’t stop going over it in my head. It interferes with my sleep and with my being able to enjoy the weekend with my husband.
It’s really difficult to function when I am like this because the anxiety spreads like a plague. It seeps into everything in my life. I worry about random things that others don’t think of at all. Because it is interfering with my enjoying the weekend, I worry about what I am going to do to distract myself from all the worry (counterproductive much?) . Because it is interfering with my sleep, I am already worried about not sleeping tonight even though I take insomnia medication that will really prevent that. Because I was already worried, I had a hard time even coming up with what to write today even though once I started it became obvious what I needed to write about and it came pretty easily. I worry about sharing this on all the places I share it because I am afraid of what people think about my posting it and about what I am writing about in general. I am afraid of so many things, so much of the time that I withdraw in an effort to control it which feeds my into depressive tendencies.
So, today, I am going to get out and do something enjoyable in an effort to try to distract myself. We’re going to go to a spinoff of the Renaissance Faire called the Fantasy Faire (it’s pretty much the same thing only people dress like fantasy creatures and characters from Disney and such). I’m going to try to stay busy so that by this evening I will be tired enough that sleep won’t be an issue. I’m also going to pay attention to what I eat as junk food is counter productive to dealing with anxiety. I’m sure, in the back of my mind, there will still be chatter about all the things that cause me anxiety but I am hopeful, that by doing things to control it, I will be able to start my new week in a positive manner.